Blank Room

Do you remember the movie ‘Hackers’? Angelina Jolie was in that movie… The way this movie portrays a hacker is way too ‘cool’. A hacker is seen as a cool teenage boy sitting in front of a very beautifully decorated computer, with two monitors, complete with Dolby surround system and flashing lights, a rock music in the background, with one hand clutching a cd called ‘Cracking Password CD’, while the other typing with great speed online chatting program while hacking a bank. The truth is, a real hacker is not like that at all. This is what I usually call ‘Hollywood Hacker’. Below is the symptoms of a typical ‘Hollywood Hacker’. Now, if you see another hacking computer movie, be sure to look for these signs:

1. Megapixels aren’t important: What determines the resolution of a photograph or audio recording is the “enhancement” algorithm run on it. Any image, when run through the proper enhancement, will reveal sufficient detail to recognize a face, read a license plate, etc.
2. Computer screens output text at 4800 baud and make chirping sounds while doing so: Sometimes, computers can be revved up to 9600 baud, and sometimes, for instance when printing the names of conspirators, slow to 300 baud. There is a great deal of variety in the sound computers make when outputting text, though. It used to be a sound reminiscent of a lineprinter, but modern computers seem to implement a more “boop boop boop” approach. Oh, and most computers output in a 16 x 9 font.
3. All computer systems have backdoors: Hackers can get into any system by way of “backdoors” that are left by the people who originally designed the system. The password of the backdoor is generally the name of the programmer’s daughter.
4. There are wireframe schematics of every building on Earth: These schematics interface with a wide variety of sensor and alarm systems. They can be manipulated in realtime and are infinitely zoomable (see #1 above).
5. Decryption works one character at a time, while the other characters cycle quickly through all possibilities: Face detection algorithms work the same way, as do most search algorithms. Oh, and every time a detail is revealed, the computer makes a beep. You know, really, most times a computer makes a partial computation, it makes a beep.
6. It takes 10 minutes to break into a system: A computer expert will first play coy, saying that they don’t know how long it will take. Then, in a few minutes, they’ll reveal that they can get in, but they’ll need a few minutes more (damn it).
7. The US government surveils the entire planet, in realtime, and keeps the tapes: At first, this seemed implausible to me, but then I realized that they probably have a couple dozen Webcams in orbit amd use enhancement.
8. People generally keep incriminating evidence in folders organized by codename: However, they often encrypt them (see #5). Oh, and computers erase data at 300 baud, in reverse (see #2).
9. Powerful people have Webcams that record from the middle of their displays: You and I dart our eyes back and forth between the Webcam and our own screen. Powerful people have intense video conversations while staring straight into the camera and, therefore, the Webcams must be recording from the middle of their screen.
10. Powerful people have access to very powerful PDAs: The mobile computers used by powerful people not only support full video, they have acces to the realtime wireframe schematics, decryption and enhancement algorithms, and so forth. Oh, and they can read any data in any device. Oh, and as phones? They have awesome coverage.

From British TV nostalgia site tv.cream.org:

“Computer-based dramas must always feature a “hacking” sequence. This must always be done in the dark, by one person sat in front of a glowing monitor, typing very quickly, as two people sit either side of him. Hacker must always say “We’re in!” when he succeeds.

Dreaded viruses must always cause the screen to melt and the word VIRUS! to flash in big red letters, together with lots of twittery ‘computer’ noises in the background.

All computer keys must beep. Spinning reels of data storage tapes are ideal for giving the impression of a really hi-tech job. Banks of red and green bulbs with no identification are absolutely essential. Large computers must have printers that continuously spew paper when things go wrong.

Wherever you go in the world, you can switch on any computer (whether connected to the net or not) and immediately receive your e-mail - often heralded by a large graphic flashing ‘Incoming E-Mail!’

You can hack into any system just by typing OVERRIDE PASSWORD, followed by SHOW ALL SECRET FILES. In the rare event that this does not work, just look for the folder named TOP SECRET or CONFIDENTIAL.

While you’re busily hacking into someone else’s system from your bedroom, the owners of said system watch in horrified amazement as windows open and close and screenfuls of text fly all over the huge projection screens in their computer centre. If you think you’re being traced you can either turn off your computer, or pull out the phone cord - either way, all the huge projection screens in the computer centre go dead.”